How do you re-integrate with society?
I always tell myself never to think about change - especially when it comes to yourself. The more you want change, the less you will get.
When we arrived back in Canada though, it really felt like something was a miss. I thought, well that is it, I have changed, and I will never be the same again. And part of that is true, somewhere deep within myself, but that was oh, so two months ago.. and now how quickly things get back into a rut.
I feel like I am stuck floating somewhere right in the middle of everything. I have a job, but no real place to live. I have a life but no real way to live it. I want so desperately now to just get on with my life to stop waiting for things to just work themselves out. It honestly feels like we are still travelling. We are settled but not quite. We do things like camping on the weekends, but we have no real place to put our gear because we still don't have a place tolive. And through this all, every day I check the paper for houses and apartments, but for what? Why am I so eager to get on with fitting into a box?
What is the rush to be normal and why are so many people desiring it so? Or do people not even desire it, it is just inherent in life? We are taught to have kids and a family and a house and these are goals that so many strive for.
Sitting here somewhere in the middle I find myself longing for some of these conventions and trappings of society. Maybe it is just all or nothing for me, really why sit on the fence in some middle ground nowhere?
But then I think it is not just that I want to settle down and have a house etc... I might trade it all in for travelling all over again.. I think it is just that after living a year doing something and going all out at it, I am not really wanting to just sort-of do something. Life is too short to waffle. Right now I want it all or nothing, and at least the option to choose.
I can't stand this Hokie-pokie much longer.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Monday, September 10, 2007
Middle Ground Blues
I guess I always thought that in most of my past life I was living an inbetween nowhere, or at least somewhere there in. School was hum-ho, it didn't inspire me, and other things, like the thought of travel and a more exciting life always promised relief. Or, then there is high school where the future seems rosy and the world is your oyster... It is really easy to live your life in the shadow of a dream of something to come. That dream will always be in front of you, and then, one day you will have passed it without ever really knowing when you were there - that is, when the Inbetween Nowhere became a reality. Is it ever a reality??
About a month ago, I had a whole different kind of hindsight. Back then, in the good old days when I wasn't working, being stuck in some midlife nowhere seemed a lot like just not having anything to do. Going from getting up in the morning and powering through mega bus rides and sight seeing and getting yourself fed and housed, to sleeping in and having no real purpose wasn't easy. I guess it seemed like I was stuck in some weird middle zone, which seemed mostly caught up in the fact that I didn't have a job and that a job would give me purpose.
When you have been travelling for a long time people always ask you, don't you just miss home and having a bed and a place to rest? You do and you don't. When you are in the thick of something you just do it and you know the end is a long way off so you aren't really thinking eveyrthing through. The dreams of home or of a different future definitely sustain you through and whether you love what you are doing or not, the idea of something beyond that moment keeps you moving forward. When you are home again and you realise how nice clean and crisp sheets can be or the wonderful rough feel of jeans it all comes back to you how much you really did miss it while you were gone.
But how quickly it fades. And the reality of finding a job or paying off bills begin to sink in. How I wanted purpose and a job in those few short weeks I was without. And now, now that I am a working person I dont really want to be back in those jobless days, but the reality that I am not travelling any more sinks in. The people, the sights, the diversity and the smells. All the ups and downs I took for granted.
Some people talk about Culture Shock, for me, the worst has always been coming home. Trying desperately to enjoy the pleasures and the wonders that our society offers, but missing desperately the life and freedom of the road and the all the adventures it holds.
At the time I thought it was the time I needed to re-integrate, but now I see it wasn't quite that. It wasn't really the jobless factor, it was just the being in middle and having no dream, no vision of what the future was. For a girl, who for the last 3-4 years has been driven by the idea of travelling, standing at the end of that long road is hard. There are new adventures and things to uncover, but it is a different path trying to dance between fitting into society and being your own person and figuring out where your path is and what new things will drive you that way.
About a month ago, I had a whole different kind of hindsight. Back then, in the good old days when I wasn't working, being stuck in some midlife nowhere seemed a lot like just not having anything to do. Going from getting up in the morning and powering through mega bus rides and sight seeing and getting yourself fed and housed, to sleeping in and having no real purpose wasn't easy. I guess it seemed like I was stuck in some weird middle zone, which seemed mostly caught up in the fact that I didn't have a job and that a job would give me purpose.
When you have been travelling for a long time people always ask you, don't you just miss home and having a bed and a place to rest? You do and you don't. When you are in the thick of something you just do it and you know the end is a long way off so you aren't really thinking eveyrthing through. The dreams of home or of a different future definitely sustain you through and whether you love what you are doing or not, the idea of something beyond that moment keeps you moving forward. When you are home again and you realise how nice clean and crisp sheets can be or the wonderful rough feel of jeans it all comes back to you how much you really did miss it while you were gone.
But how quickly it fades. And the reality of finding a job or paying off bills begin to sink in. How I wanted purpose and a job in those few short weeks I was without. And now, now that I am a working person I dont really want to be back in those jobless days, but the reality that I am not travelling any more sinks in. The people, the sights, the diversity and the smells. All the ups and downs I took for granted.
Some people talk about Culture Shock, for me, the worst has always been coming home. Trying desperately to enjoy the pleasures and the wonders that our society offers, but missing desperately the life and freedom of the road and the all the adventures it holds.
At the time I thought it was the time I needed to re-integrate, but now I see it wasn't quite that. It wasn't really the jobless factor, it was just the being in middle and having no dream, no vision of what the future was. For a girl, who for the last 3-4 years has been driven by the idea of travelling, standing at the end of that long road is hard. There are new adventures and things to uncover, but it is a different path trying to dance between fitting into society and being your own person and figuring out where your path is and what new things will drive you that way.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
French River, Ontario: Whatever Floats the Boat
A week spent dodging Small Craft Wind Warnings (SCWW) and surfing rapids can make anyone smile. But nothing really brings a true smile like the scenery of Georgian Bay, bowling ball swirly rocks and its back-broken trees.
Good conversation was had over nightly boxes of wine and quite a few mickies of spirits, and severe thunderstorms were ridden out from the safety of our thermarests. One could say there isn't much to do camping, but that just isn't the case on Georgian Bay. We moved every day, some days travelling upwards of 20km against the wind. We even got stuck on the Bustard Islands for three days following some thunderstorms and high winds. But eventually we were on the road again and we braved our SCWW to make the 2.5km crossing to the mainland and then spent an exhausting day moving against the wind and against water flow.
But hard work has its fun too and the rapids that weave between the rock fingers and islands make great fun both going down and up. There are so many nooks and cranies to explore kind of like Kafka's mind on water.
It made it pretty easy to forget all the things that should be on ones mind. Life is so easy to postpone. But reality is there and reintegrating with society is not an easy or a quick task. What does Whitehorse hold? Am I ready for a steady job? How about staying in one place for a year? Or more? So easy to just pretend those things aren't coming. But maybe I just have to take it as it comes and stop analysing ahead.
Good conversation was had over nightly boxes of wine and quite a few mickies of spirits, and severe thunderstorms were ridden out from the safety of our thermarests. One could say there isn't much to do camping, but that just isn't the case on Georgian Bay. We moved every day, some days travelling upwards of 20km against the wind. We even got stuck on the Bustard Islands for three days following some thunderstorms and high winds. But eventually we were on the road again and we braved our SCWW to make the 2.5km crossing to the mainland and then spent an exhausting day moving against the wind and against water flow.
But hard work has its fun too and the rapids that weave between the rock fingers and islands make great fun both going down and up. There are so many nooks and cranies to explore kind of like Kafka's mind on water.
It made it pretty easy to forget all the things that should be on ones mind. Life is so easy to postpone. But reality is there and reintegrating with society is not an easy or a quick task. What does Whitehorse hold? Am I ready for a steady job? How about staying in one place for a year? Or more? So easy to just pretend those things aren't coming. But maybe I just have to take it as it comes and stop analysing ahead.
Saturday, July 14, 2007
Home: Mrs. Chutney's C + B
Home, home at last and how tasty it is with cheddar and potable water aplenty. Coming home can be hard especially when you long for the simple pleasures, but you fear all that it entails.
No one can imagine how nice it is to wear jeans and a cotton t-shirt when you have gone a year without. The simple pleasures of a towel on the skin is delightful. How is it that the sounds of birds chirping amidst rustling, windblown leaves can be lost to the ears? Why do we sometimes have to loose something to appreciate it? Truly, coming back home to stay is a sensory delight.
And yet home is full of the unseen pressures. They say high school is full of peer pressure, but the same can be said of so much else. Questions abound and they aren't always easy to answer. People view travel as a care free life, and always say, if only they had the time or money they would be so lucky. But travel can be a mind numbing slog of diahera and language barriers. Yet at the end of it all, there is something missing... a place to call your own? Family? Friends? Security? Consistent challenge rather than daily change? These are the weeks and months of reflection to come.
But, before the rest of our lives loom and decisions await, they can wait just a little bit longer. A week paddling the waters of Georgian Bay's wind swept shores and extruded rocks offers a perfect way to get some peace, quiet and reflection about all that has happened in the last year.
And so begins the Inbetween Nowhere.
No one can imagine how nice it is to wear jeans and a cotton t-shirt when you have gone a year without. The simple pleasures of a towel on the skin is delightful. How is it that the sounds of birds chirping amidst rustling, windblown leaves can be lost to the ears? Why do we sometimes have to loose something to appreciate it? Truly, coming back home to stay is a sensory delight.
And yet home is full of the unseen pressures. They say high school is full of peer pressure, but the same can be said of so much else. Questions abound and they aren't always easy to answer. People view travel as a care free life, and always say, if only they had the time or money they would be so lucky. But travel can be a mind numbing slog of diahera and language barriers. Yet at the end of it all, there is something missing... a place to call your own? Family? Friends? Security? Consistent challenge rather than daily change? These are the weeks and months of reflection to come.
But, before the rest of our lives loom and decisions await, they can wait just a little bit longer. A week paddling the waters of Georgian Bay's wind swept shores and extruded rocks offers a perfect way to get some peace, quiet and reflection about all that has happened in the last year.
And so begins the Inbetween Nowhere.
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
Cairo, Egypt: At Peace Amidst the Haggling
So to put an end to all our travelling we spent a few days in the chaotic, hectic haven of Cairo. Not to pass up on 4CAD ties and 20CAD jeans, we did a bit of shopping. It was definitely weird to see ourselves in real clothes again.
See you in Canada
See you in Canada
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